Lifestyles: Time to wonder about the Boy Wonder

By Bruce Watson

Published on July 25, 2008

As a fan of TV's old "Batman," I've been following the recent films. They aren't as funny or campy as the '60s sitcom but they leave one to wonder. What ever happened to Robin?

Even as a boy, I wondered what was so wondrous about the Boy Wonder. He wasn't especially smart, he couldn't leap anything in a single bound, and he couldn't act his way out of a 16-week contract. All Robin seemed good for was revving the Batmobile in the Batcave and spouting batty expressions that began with "Holy!"

"Holy Where Are They Now, Batman! Wonder whatever happened to me?" I wondered, too, so I did a little research on the Batweb.

The life of a superhero is hard. Along with all those criminals gunning for you, there are the glittering Hollywood parties where everyone wants to tug on your mask. There are contract disputes when you have to be super pushy to get your share of the cheap lines. And if you're supposed to remain a boy, there are all those wonder remedies to keep you boyish. Small wonder Robin just got tired of it all.

"Holy Retirement, Batman," he said sometime during the Reagan Administration. "I'm outta this Bat Racket."

Life outside the Bat Mansion was no joke. When your resume says only that you A) conquered crime; and B) played sidekick to a paunchy, middle-aged man in a batsuit, jobs are few. So the Boy Wonder took his share of life's blows. "Bam!" "Pow!"

For a year, Robin washed dishes in a coffee shop on Hollywood Boulevard. Aside from keeping his cape dry, the hardest part was all those busboys wondering whether he could get them Bruce Wayne's autograph. Finally, tired of jokes like "Hey Boy Wonder, does Catwoman always land on her feet?" he revved his bat engines and walked out.

Next came a stint as an office temp. But the Boy Wonder couldn't type. All he could do was answer phones. "Holy Receptionist," he kept saying. "Wonder what Alfred the Butler is doing these days."

Sadly, the Boy Wonder soon began to age. As the Middle Aged Wonder, there wasn't much wonder left in him. He spent hours phoning Bruce Wayne, wondering if he could get his old job back. But Batman had gone upscale.

Gone were the "Bam!" and "Pow!" of the '60s. Batman was pumping iron, taking acting lessons, and making big box-office bucks. Who needs a sidekick when you have babes like Kim Basinger to do your bidding?

By the mid-90s, Robin still couldn't fly but he sure could plummet. William Shatner and the cast of Star Trek were making a decent living in supermarket parking lots across L.A. but the Boy Wonder was on Skid Row, drinking wondrous amounts of Jack Daniels. "Holy Humongous Hangover, Batman!"

One day who should he meet but Batgirl. She, too, had vanished from pop culture. A nation at war with jokers of all types - terrorist, drug lords, a villainous vice president - has no time for a Boy Wonder or a Batgirl. The two faded superheroes talked about old times and soon fell in love. Both checked into detox and before you could say "Same Bat Time," they were married.

Now the Boy Geezer and the Bat Post-Menopausal Woman live in the San Fernando Valley. But they're not just waiting for the Bat Cell Phone to ring. Instead, they run a home for aging superheroes. The Green Hornet, now more gray than green, is a client. And Wonder Woman, now in her 80s, keeps everyone on their toes.

So let Batman battle blows that have changed from "Pow and "Bam" to takedowns of entire city blocks. The Boy Wonder wonders why anyone would stay in that bat business. With his Batwife and his bat memories, he's found some bat peace. So now you can stop wondering.