Two kinds of anger: the jackal and the dragon

By BRUCE BROWN

Published on December 14, 2007

ANGER, especially in our culture, has a bad reputation. A person who frequently indulges anger is likely to be considered crude and overbearing - a self-indulgent bully. Most us are guilty of it now and then, and likely to feel sheepish and guilty later. A relationship full of anger is, by definition, a relationship painfully short on effective communication. The journey from frequent anger to violence or fizzle-out can be short.

But anger is not a plain, nasty beast of only one stripe, but actually has various relatives. Some anger forms may be more redeeming than others.

Perhaps the most common expression of anger is the "jackal" form, as described in the book "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. This jackal bites and humiliates. It's a mean-spirited beast that is feeling hurt, unheard, under-appreciated and low on resources or power to get its needs met. So it lashes out in an effort to diminish the opponent and regain enough power to have it's own way. Underneath the anger, the creature is probably feeling painfully unloved and un-cared for.

Another way to look at jackal-type anger is that the angry person is trying to transfer the feeling of being a victim over to the other person.

We all know too well that the usual payoff for this form of anger expression is likely to be sullen withdrawal on the part of the other person or perhaps a fear-based, somewhat disassociated cooperation that does not come from the heart.

Then again, counter-attack may occur, resulting in a pitched battle that may rage on for hours or days, with each person trying desperately to get in the last word.

What is needed here is for one or the other person to initiate some deep mutual listening, with each hearing and acknowledging the other's underlying needs, fears, hurts, yearnings and requests. When more vulnerable communication like this emerges, anger tends to evaporate.

Various psychological models are helpful in stimulating such communication. I especially refer readers to the four-part communication model outlined in "Nonviolent Communication," or to the dialogue process described in Harvel Hendrix's book "Getting the Love You Want."

Now let's take a look at another kind of intense, personal expression that is, unfortunately, often suppressed because it tends to be confused with jackal anger. I call it the voice of the dragon.

Have you ever noticed that Chinese depictions of dragons show them as terribly fierce, but almost never mean-looking. The dragons' breath of fire can be interpreted as purification. The dragon's roar can be a wake-up call for anyone blindly indulging self-centered or destructive behaviors.

An example of this kind of fierceness can be seen in the account of Jesus driving the money changers out of the temple. His action appears as anger, but does not entail condemnation of the individuals involved (as would jackal anger).

A marvelous example of dragon energy that I personally witnessed years ago took place in a group of people who were relaxing near a swimming hole. Out of the blue, two large men, who had some ongoing dispute about a personal matter, began an argument. This argument quickly escalated into arm waving and shouting. Then feelings totally erupted and both leapt to their feet yelling, red-faced and with fists at the ready. It was obvious that a violent physical fight was about to reak out.

Suddenly, my wife, who had been very quiet, stood up and shouted in a remarkably loud, fierce voice, "STOP IT!"

To everyone's surprise, the two men instantly stopped, and quickly walked away. The next day, one of these men came over to our house and thanked my wife. The energy animating those two simple words - stop it - was the voice of the dragon.

This kind of passionate expression is free of the put-down poison of jackal anger. Rather, it is redeeming. The ancient Greeks would have called it the thunder of Zeus.

If we can stretch the range of emotional expression that is permitted in our relationships sufficiently to encompass an occasional roar of the dragon, clearer air can result. Dragon energy is a wake-up call, and, god knows, most of us need a wake-up call now and then when we have become blindly stuck in some destructive behavior pattern.

But first, it is crucially important to come to understand and put to rest jackal anger, replacing such expression with some form of regularly practiced, vulnerable, empathic and compassionate communication that deepens understanding and love.

Bruce Brown is a psychotherapist and relationship co-counselor with his wife, Pamela Jeffreys.