All you need to survive The season

By Bruce Watson

Published on January 11, 2008

Congratulations! As a savvy citizen mired in another numbing presidential primary campaign, you have made a wise choice. You have chosen to purchase a 2008 Campaign Survival Kit.

No longer will you wander bewildered through the endless campaign forest. With your 2008 Campaign Survival Kit in hand, you'll wander confidently, weathering the torrents of BS, sailing on the winds of change, scaling the mountain of lies, crossing the desert of ideas, and emerging in November ready to cast your vote and get it over with.

Here's what your 2008 Campaign Survival Kit includes:

-1 pair of ear plugs for when you just can't hear any more

- 1 Beltway-English Dictionary to help you translate today's sophisticated campaign jargon into everyday English. Suppose a candidate says, "I support voluntary greenhouse gas emission caps for all corporations." Huh? Check your Beltway-English Dictionary. Here's it is: Voluntary greenhouse gas emission caps - n., 1. complete abdication of America's responsibility for global warming; 2. policy based on a kindergartener's belief in the goodness of corporate executives; 3. three feet of tidal water in the streets of Manhattan by 2050.

- 1 Super Stealth coin. This special, silicon-based coin is guaranteed to flip in total silence inside a voting booth

- 1 Digital Electronic Bumper Sticker. Just slap it on your bumper and program in the name of your candidate. Oops! He/she says something incredibly stupid? Just program in a different name. Oops! You can change your bumper sticker as often as you change your mind!

- 1 blindfold, for when you just can't watch anymore

- 1 copy of "No They Didn't!: No Way Our Founding Fathers Said That!" a handy compendium of ideas from the Founding Fathers enabling you to correct any candidate who says a) Jefferson opposed all gun control; b) Washington used waterboarding in the Revolutionary War; c) Adams wanted to build a fence on the Mexican border; d) Ben Franklin favored invading Iraq.

- 5 Bye-Bye Bush Countdown Clocks, 375 days and counting! Give em to your friends! We're gonna make it!

- 2 Bill O'Reilly/Ann Coulter bricks, ordinary bricks embossed with photos of these celebrity pundits, suitable for throwing through your TV screen.

- 1 Fodor's Travel Guide to Small Diners in Small States. Now you can travel and meet the candidates in the politically charged places where they gather power! Feel right at home as you order "two eggs over easy with grits" and rub elbows with the candidate in the plaid shirt who may someday be the most powerful person in the world. Spout your opinions and see them the next day's New York Times as "the way real Americans are leaning."

- 1 Political Clout Map of the U.S. This amazing map enlarges each state according to its clout in the campaign, beginning with the largest state, Iowa, the next largest, New Hampshire, and on down to the smallest - California and New York.

- Your 2008 Campaign Joke Book. Q. Why did the candidate cross the road? A. Because there was a $1000 a plate fund raiser on the other side.

- 1 Digital BS Detector. Just attach this state-of-the-art device to your TV. When a candidate spouts the usual BS, an alarm goes off instantly. EXAMPLE: "Yes, Tim, I believe voluntary greenhouse gas emission caps will solve global ... BEEEEEEEEP!

Your 2008 Campaign Survival Kit also comes with a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE! If you are not completely disgusted by November, return the kit and receive a full refund PLUS an upgrade to the 2009 Campaign Survival Kit to help you next year when the 2012 campaign begins!