Lifestyles: Knowing what Today's Teens really know

By Bruce Watson

Published on March 07, 2008

When it comes to what Today's Teens don't know, my answer is "who knows?"

Usually when you want to know what someone knows, you just ask. But Today's Teens are different, as were yesterday's teens. So when another survey came out last week showing Today's Teens to be shockingly ignorant of just about everything in Western culture, I was skeptical. Still, I couldn't help but recoil from the latest shockers:

One quarter of Today's Teens surveyed didn't know Hitler was chancellor of Germany during World War II. Some said he was Kaiser, others a munitions maker. One or two probably said he was a baker but there are always one or two.

The survey went on, detailing how many teens thought the Civil War took place in the 1960s, how many thought "Hamlet" was an omelet, how many said the War of 1812 began in 1927. But there's always a problem with such surveys. They trust teens to tell all they know.

Back when I was a teen - during the Civil War in the 1960s - we never told all we knew. "No way," I said. "No way I'm telling all I know about Hitler." And when an adult asked, I was as likely to say he was a baker as I was to admit I knew he was "Chancellor of Germany from 1933 to 1945." You're a teen. You don't let on you know adult stuff. Get a clue.

It turns out this recent survey was more slipshod than others. Most surveys have Today's Teens write their answers, but this one asked 33 questions about history and literature over the phone. Phoning teens to ask about history and literature? Like, "Dude, what were you thinking?"

As a former teen, I can picture the following scene:

Two of Today's Teens are at a computer entering comments on Youtube - "lol, cool, pfbjeflk, eh?" - when the phone rings.

"Dude, you wanna answer some questions on history and literature?"

"Like, yeah-uhhh!"

"No, seriously. It'd be fun. Check it out."

So while one continues to comment on Youtube - "btw, that was NOT funny :( Get a clue!" - the other agrees and the test begins.

"Okay, they want to know what Hitler did during World War II. Like, was he chancellor of Germany or Kaiser or what."

"Tell 'em he was a baker."

"Great. Okay, ummmm. I think he was, maybeee.... a baker. He baked bagels, didn't he? Next question.

"Okay, they wanna know who wrote Hamlet?"

"Duu-uhhh. Shakespeare. To be or not to be. One man's search for purpose, identity, revenge. Loved the Brannagh version. But hey, don't tell 'em that or they'll think we're nerds. Tell 'em Hamlet's my dog. No wait. Tell 'em Hamlet's a ham and cheese omelet."

"Swee-eet. Yeah, this is a trick question, right? Hamlet wasn't written, I hope you know. It's an omelet. With ham and cheese. Next? Okay, they wanna know if we know when the Civil War took place."

"Slam dunk. April 12, 1861 to April 9, 1865. Fort Sumter to Appomattox, anyone knows that. But no way we're tellin' 'em."

"What should I say?"

"I dunno. Say 1871 to 1875. No wait. How about the Sixties? That'll get em. Adults are always so hyped on that decade. The Sixties! The Sixties!"

"The Civil War took place in the 1960s, right?"

And on it goes - "The War of 1812... I dunno... 1927?" - for 30 more questions that any of today's teens could answer in their sleep but wouldn't dare reveal over the phone.

So how can we know what today's teens know? Next time don't make a phone survey. Put a video on Youtube. Have it say Hitler was a baker, Hamlet a sandwich, etc. Then read the comments. "btw, idiot!! Lol FYI - Anyone knows Hitler was Chancellor of Germany from 1933-1945!!! Frslrl!!! Get a clue!" And then we'll know what they know.