Sampling a summer of schlock
By Bruce Watson
Published on May 16, 2008
Summer won't be here for another month but already the screens are exploding with the kind of action, adventure, and schlock that make summer movies a "must avoid" for many of us. Here are some movies you'll especially want to avoid if you hope to have eardrums and some semblance of a brain come fall.
Mission Accomplished - IED: Can one man win the Iraq War? If anyone can, it's newcomer Matt Mick Meat. Meat plays Rick Roman, a National Guard member sent to Iraq as a one-man surge. With a daily dose of steroids as his supporting cast, Roman blows up half of Iraq and throws the rest in Abu Ghraib. Next summer, watch for the sequel, "IED - Teheran." "Lies and more lies... When will the American people wise up?" - Voice of Reason
Up Yours: Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller star as window washers working on high rises in LA. When Stiller is fired, he decides to get even. Antics include writing obscene messages in soap, crashing board meetings, and a hilarious 70 story fall. "Same old, same old."-Tired Critic
Guzzler: Bruce Willis stars as a gas station owner driven mad by the price of gas. When Willis starts blowing up pumps from Kennebunkport to San Diego, only FBI agent Ted Grange (Al Pacino) can stop him. But does the FBI have something to gain from $5-a-gallon gas? Aren't those exploding helicopters wasting precious fuel? Is Dick Cheney anywhere in the credits? "Explosive... Two thumbs torched!" - L.A. Times.
Leave it to Beaver: In this update of the old TV sitcom, Wally (Seth Rogen) is running guns to Afghanistan. Eddie Haskell (Al Pacino) is a Senator from California trying to keep the weapons flowing. Ward (Hugh Beaumont) is in a nursing home but June (Meryl Streep) is still "worried about the Beaver." Seems "The Beave" (Ben Stiller) is out in the garage running a crystal meth lab. "Touching, smarmy, original!" - Rotten Grapefruit
Up Close and Waaaay Too Personal: Kate Beckinsale and some hunk you've never heard of play lonely 20-somethings who put ads in the personals. They seem so right for each other. Both have SOH's and like long walks on the beach. Will they find each other? Could people who look like this know the meaning of loneliness? Will that smarmy music ever stop playing? "Perfectly predictable... The ideal date movie for people who haven't been on a date since the Nineties!" - Some small paper in Texas
The Fillmore File: In this "startling new look at American history," President Millard Fillmore (Al Pacino) finds a sinister filing cabinet in the Oval Office. Every president since has used the Fillmore file to start wars, talk to Jesus, triple the national debt, and spy on ordinary Americans like Nicolas Cage. But Cage goes after the Fillmore file in the only way an ordinary American can - with helicopters and a small nuclear device. "Fact-filled... fanciful... takes liberties with history but fun for the whole family!" - American Society of Historians
Die So Hard You Could Just Die: Bruce Willis returns for another hilarious "Die Hard" sequel in which 2,475 people are killed by blunt instruments. Rated G for gore.
Polar Parade: When a pack of polar bears finds its habitat melting, its spunky leader, Bruce, heads south to have it out with the humans. Soon polar bears are smashing SUVs, mauling clueless drivers and mooning the president wherever he goes. Voices include Al Pacino as Bruce, Cameron Diaz as his wife, Betty, and Ben Stiller as Al Gore. "Fresh... Funny... pretty much your standard animated summer feature." - Summermovieschlock.com
So that's your summer movie lineup. Better luck in the fall.
