A Sideways Glance with Richard Bogartz: Bogartz and More Party win presidency

Thursday, December 31, 2020

Reminder: I subscribe to recreational lying that is intended to entertain rather than deceive.
For months I have written serious columns, despite being frustrated, my heart not in it. The reason is I desperately need a new suit. With all the suing going on, every day my urge to sue has increased geometrically. I need to sue. I want to sue. Someone. Something. A pharmacy. A judge. A one-legged dog. A vagrant. A mountain range. Something. I deserve to be able to sue. Why should the liar-in-chief and his faithful sidekick Rudy get to do all the suing? What about suing Carson, Letterman, Leno, and Seinfeld for abandonment? Something! But no. Instead, finally, the craving for a suit drove me into politics.

As you know, I was a candidate for president in the recent election. Due to election rigging, my name did not appear on any ballot. Nevertheless, we won. In a landslide. An unprecedented landslide of epic proportions. Supposedly, Joe Biden received 81,281,502 votes and the other guy got 74,222,593 votes. But this is because rigging also entailed erasing my write-in votes. My campaign has assembled Himalayas of evidence that in fact 131,302,549 ballots contained a write-in vote for me. We received 84.44% of the votes. A colossal victory!

Exclusion of my name from every ballot conclusively proves the election was rigged against me. Below I will consider actions I can take, but let me say now that I will never concede a rigged election, and I will certainly not be at the White House on Jan. 20, much less leave it. There is no way anyone will prod me into an undignified and unjustified departure. I will stay right where I am.

How did this gross miscarriage of justice occur? It is not altogether clear. There are some indications that Venezuelan communist mine owners and Cuban corporate laborers may have cyber attacked. I have long studied their antipathy toward me. Alternatively, 12 of my attorneys have suggested it was the machines that erased my write-in votes. Coke machines won over laptops, 8–4. Seems unlikely, but nobody actually knows much about theoretical Coke machine mechanics. Calls for intensive investigation.

Common sense would have dictated that Coke machines could not alter election results, but as we know, common sense died when supermarkets began demanding proof of age from hoary, frail, doddering 80-year-olds like me.

Despite the fact that my candidacy received no mention by any of the major or minor news organizations, nor by Fox, we won in all the scarlet states and all the azure states. Neither the major azure candidate nor that other guy have claimed so comprehensive a triumph. We won the white people, the Black people, all shades of brown people, the green people, the beige people, the tan people, the tawny people, and even those for whom color naming is controversial (I have in mind the purple people).

Why did we win? I believe it was the single, one-word plank in our platform: more! More people could relate to the promise of more. The ones looking for less were clearly in the minority. Lessers, if you will.

You should know my vanishing write-in votes was not an isolated incident. I have 97 cargo containers of evidence that a bank whose logo you would recognize was supposed to send me $500,000,000, but did not. Rigged financial institution! Fraud! I attempted to sue, but vile Texas attorneys prevented me from piggybacking my suit onto the Texas Supreme Court Suit. A similarly outrageous fraud is being perpetrated by a fuel company that is demanding I pay for fuel that I agree was delivered.

My tactical adviser, recently regurgitated from prison, has counseled against declaring martial law. He argues that remarks by the Army Chief of Staff and the Army Secretary suggest the military are not up for it. My criminal mentor instead urges that I pointedly declare Marshall Faulk (a one-time professional football player). He says that with “Marshall Faulk!” I will be able to send Throckmorton and Brynhildr, my campaign co-managers, trooping into each state where they can coerce each state legislature into imprisoning the ersatz electors and replacing them with electors pledged to me. I asked whether it might be too late to do this. He assured me that it is never too late, where there is life there is hope, he who hesitates is lost, so I should strike while the iron is hot because nothing ventured, nothing gained.

He is so deep.

Richard S. Bogartz is professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst.