Replace the FBI? How about a Federal Bureau of Deception?

Thursday, January 31, 2019

My initial response to Fox Legal Analyst Gregg Jarett wanting to disband and replace the FBI to protect President Doofus was to dismiss it. He said, speaking of the FBI, “… frankly it’s time that it be halted in its tracks, reorganized and replaced with a new organization.” It was dismissible on two counts. First, when someone precedes a claim with “frankly” or “honestly,” they are probably about to utter a lie. Why else preemptively defend their remark with insistence on its truthfulness? Even if this were not so, Jarett wants the FBI to be “reorganized and replaced.” Not the product of an organized mind. Why reorganize it if you are going to replace it? I was ready to let this legal analysis go the way of all Fox News analyses.

Then I thought, maybe replacing the FBI might be an idea we should anticipate. What might be predictable replacements to protect the burger king? How about a Federal Bureau of Deception, the FBD? The motto, not “Fidelity — Bravery — Integrity,” would be “Fakery — Beguilement — Deceit.” Agents would swear:

“I, (they would not use their real name here), do fecklessly swear, or disaffirm, that I will support and defend some of the Constitution of the United States against one or two enemies, foreign, domestic, or both, but not defend against the Russians; that I will bear infidelity and enmity to the same; that I take this obligation freely, with numerous mental reservations and purposes of evasion; and that I will perhaps discharge the duties of the office into which I am about to con my way. So help me any fallen angel who feels up to the task.” Paul Manafort could support this.

Next came the Federal Bureau of Blur, the FBB. Its function would be to root out instances of transparency in government and to facilitate coverups. Its motto would be “Faint — Befogged — Bedimmed.”

Clearly, the CIA, whose motto is “And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free,” should not remain immune to repair or replacement. (Not “repair and replacement”). Jarett might change their name to the Counter Intelligence Agency. The intention would not be involvement with counterintelligence, i.e., “activities designed to prevent or thwart spying, intelligence gathering, and sabotage by an enemy or other foreign entity.” — Encyclopedia.com. No, they would be involved in attacking and subverting the use of intelligence by any member of the United States government. By intelligence I don’t mean gathered information. I mean human intelligence, which Brittanica informs us is “the mental quality that consists of the abilities to learn from experience, adapt to new situations, understand and handle abstract concepts, and use knowledge to manipulate one’s environment.” This new CIA would ensure that elected or hired government employees avoided human intelligence and that hiring of such employees would prioritize applicants showing a genuine lack of intelligence. The new motto would be “And ye shall know next to nothing and your magnificent ignorance shall make you not give a hoot.”

A Federal Bureau of NotUs, run by Betsy Devos, would have as its purpose the countering of accusations and testimony concerning rape. Any time someone was accused of rape, the Bureau would assemble 100 persons of the same gender as the accuser to testify that the accused never raped them. In fact, the accused never even knew them. Thus, 100 to 1 evidence against the accused being a rapist. If MeToo witnesses also accused the alleged rape perpetrator, the Bureau would supply another 100 NotUs for each MeToo, maintaining the 100:1 ratio.

The Federal Bureau of Redaction, run by Rudy Giuliani, would remove unworthy truths from school books, news reports, scientific texts and journals, fiction, and government records.

The Federal Bureau of Divine Revelation, run by Mike Pence, would provide the views of the Almighty, with special emphasis on the Deity’s evaluation of the work being done by President Doofus.

Richard S. Bogartz is a professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts.