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Bruce Watson's Lifestyles: Election 2016: The School for Scandal


Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Now that the campaign is almost over, my old scandal columnist is bullish on America.

Sam the Scam struggled during the Obama administration. Seems there wasn’t one official indicted for scandalous behavior. Not one! Compare that to the 138 investigations or indictments under Saint Reagan and you can see why Sam changed his name to Carl the Con and dabbled in conspiracies for a while.

But the times they are a-morphin’ as our new Nobel Lit Laureate might say. And once the GOP nominated the first Fact Free candidate in American history, Sam changed his name back and was hip-deep in scandals you wouldn’t wish on any candidate except these two.

“I felt like I died and went to heaven,” Sam told me, “only to find God working for Wikileaks.”

So before voting ends this race to the bottom — or does it? — Sam is taking your questions.

Dear Scammer:

The Obama years were boring. Sure we had scandals at the IRS and the VA. And a whole lotta spyin’ goin’ on. But no sex in the White House, no CIA drug money, no skeletons in any closet. Will we ever recover from Obama?

Bottom Feeder in Belchertown

Dear BFB:

Forty years of scandal mongering have taught me one thing — that Bottom Feeders have no memory for honesty. You can recite every sin of the Clintons — and a lot of “sins” they didn’t commit — but can you name one thing about a decent politician like Walter Mondale? No, you can’t. That’s why we scandal mongers have a motto — it’s better to light a single scandal than to nominate Walter Mondale. And by better, I mean it pays me, it pays CNN, it pays FOXNews, it pays …

Dear Sam:

We’ve always had a few top-level scandals and plenty of low-life behavior in gossip columns. But now there’s no difference between gossip and news, rumor and evidence. It’s all scandal all the time. When did we look in the mirror and say Scandals R Us?

Muckraker in Monson

Dear Muckraker:

The Muckrakers of old followed the money, only the money. Who paid whom to do what and when? And that was the rule for decades. Presidents had affairs but it stayed in the family. Congressmen were Congressmen. Then my old boss Rupert Murdoch came to America, bringing an invasive species — sex scandals. And just like the Brits whose tabloids wallow in pure muck, we, the people, can’t get enough titillation. Who slept with whom? Who did what in what bedroom? And who cares about the economy, foreign policy, global warming, when money and votes pile up from a people poor and distracted?

Dear Sam:

I hear the election is rigged. No one has voted so how can anyone know this?

Concerned in Conway

Dear Concerned:

Forget all your gates, from Water- to Deflate-. The Fact Free candidate’s talk of a rigged election is the new gold standard. You’re right, of course. To swing a presidential election this one-sided, you’d have to buy off officials in 40 states, stuff ballot boxes till your hands bled, hack every computer in the country.

But his rigged election charge, dutifully reported, shows how low this guy has taken us. Once the 24/7 cable sludge started reporting anything he said, he won the election, regardless of votes. Now he can say whatever he wants, eat his young, devour democracy itself, and the country that once considered him a cable TV clown refuses to do what it should — laugh uproariously and throw a shoe through the nearest TV. So he wins on his own gutter level. And he’ll keep winning so long as we mention his name, which I still refuse to do. Hand me that shoe.

And that’s it, scandal lovers! Get ready for four years of fun, and of course, the 2020 campaign, which starts next week!

Bruce Watson can be reached at breadandroses22@yahoo.com.