Why women don't want 'nice' men

By ALISON OZER

Published on February 02, 2007

In a conversation over a cup of coffee, a nice man stated quite firmly, "Women don't want nice men!" Checking this particular nice man out, I thought, "Maybe so." But the rejection and choices of women are not just based on being "nice" or "not." Before sharing my thoughts, I asked him to elaborate and explain what caused him to feel this way. What did he mean by "nice"?

He said he found that women, even mature professionals who stated they wanted to meet a "good guy'" (honest, loyal, reliable, and responsible), would inevitably hook up with the "bad boy." I assumed he was referring mostly to his own experience and wondered even more who and what he judged as "bad," and how he defined "good." I had heard this complaint before from men who failed to hold the attention of attractive women they sought.

I began to wonder if this casual meeting was really a set-up to see if I too would reject this self-determined "nice" man and confirm his case.

I countered with my opinion that many women did want a nice guy, but that did not mean they liked indirect, insecure, boring or predictable men who never have a suggestion for a date or a preference they express, and defer to a woman's every wish and expectation. I suggested women might also enjoy the spontaneous, confident man, who demonstrates uniqueness, shows a good sense of humor, and holds promise of surprises, adventures, and wild rides.

Healthy women would reject a neglectful cad who doesn't show up as arranged, banters with the boys as if she wasn't there, stares at and flirts with every skirt, or rides suddenly off into the sunset searching for freedom and other "pastures." Women don't want an abusive partner who mistreats them (unless S&M is their game). Most women want a "nicer" man with panache.

Working women and single mothers, who have the responsibility of weighty decisions, high expectations, and full calendars, can really be thankful for a man who opens doors, brings in the groceries, cooks, and yet shows a bit of flair and daring. Flowers on a first date seem sweet, but perhaps unimaginative, a sign of someone stuck to tradition, or even worse, desperation. How they are presented can reveal much: a genuine gesture of admiration, strongly scented to seductively stimulate her senses, or awkwardly as the price of admission to a restricted show.

After all, isn't it true that men don't just like a gal because she is "nice"? How many men fail to detect the difference between a fun-loving lady and low-esteem loser when they both look hot in a mini-skirt and high heels? They can get caught in a futile cycle of caring for a needy woman who's out of control. Then they whine to their nice, always attentive, female friend.

A woman may make a similar mistake, but as she matures she learns to discern the reckless biker-boy from the respectable man who has the capacity to relish (even ravish) her, too. I suggested that perhaps he was thinking "nice" could not be "naughty," and so missed the mark of a number of fine foxy women.

Furthermore, I reflected that some seemingly nice men often turn out to be not so. Some women sense danger underneath superficial smiles and words, and intuitively mistrust or avoid the overtures of repressed men. Some nice men cover up their true feelings and intent. It can be difficult for women to discern their meanings and appropriately react or interact. It becomes a burden to second-guess them, and the smart woman knows that if she gets it wrong, the man may become unduly disappointed, disappear, or, even worse, get angry. After trying so hard to match the image he thinks she wants reflected, this "nice" man could just crack. Meanness and sarcasm, shards of his pain, may fly out at her. Sometimes he might even get violent.

Whether it is the suitability and quality of women a "nice" man chooses to pursue, the presentation or insecurities of a "nice" man, the fact that a man may not be so "nice," or the luck of the draw, there can be many reasons for the failure of a particular pair of daters to match up nicely.

My companion considered my words and seemed frustrated and restless. Finally, I asked if he was honestly interested in my thoughts or had some other goal. He awkwardly admitted an attraction ... but because he was so "nice," I might not have noticed.

Alison Ozer is an Amherst resident.