1,001 lists to make before you die
By Bruce Watson
Published on February 08, 2008
It started a few years ago with the book "1,001 Places to See Before You Die." Paris. Rome. Omaha.
The book sold well. You found it in many a guest bathroom where many a guest read it before returning to the dinner table to ask, "Hey, anyone ever been to the Taj Mahal?" Before long someone published "1,001 Books to Read Before You Die." War and Peace. Don Quixote. That new book on Sacco and Vanzetti.
Then came "1,001 Albums to Hear. . . ." And "1,001 Movies to See. . . " And before you knew it, the dwindling years before you die started to get a little crowded. Let's do the math.
If you wanted to see all 1,001 places, you'd have to visit 20 major world sites a year for 50 years. Or 50 a year for 20 years. No way. And what about the 1,001 books? Read 50 classics a year for 20 years? The introductions alone would kill you. Movies might be possible, albums a slam dunk but I'm not so sure I want to spend my dwindling years checking things off a list.
But if I had a list, one thing on it would be writing a best seller. Spotting the trend, I'm working on my own books of 1,001 things you MUST do before you die. Mine, however, are doable.
The first in the series will be "1,001 Verbs to Conjugate Before You Die." To be. To walk. To run. To sleep. If you start now and conjugate 20 verbs a day, you'll be done by spring and you can die. Or you can move on to. . .
"1,001 Dogs to Kick Before You Die." This would be difficult if the dogs were breeds, but I take it easy on my reader. Poodle tops the list, of course, because every poodle is asking for it. But my kick list also includes Any Mutt, Any Dog Named Blue, Any Dog Small Enough to Punt and 997 others. Life is short, after all.
Once you've kicked 1,001 dogs, you'll be ready for "1,001 Curses to Scream Before You Die." There's $#$@)$. And $#(@#$@). And even $@)$@#$!$#!#_$! Some people I know could work through this list in an afternoon. Some already do.
"1,001 Mixed Nuts to Gobble Before You Die" would be problematic IF I made it 1,001 different nuts. But who needs that kind of pressure? Instead, as with dogs, give yourself credit for any 1,001 nuts. One serious binge and you'll be on to. . .
Hold it right there. There might easily be 1,001 such books. Trees to sit under. Politicians to loathe. Breaths to breathe. A veritable publishing empire. But all these possibilities raise a vital question. Why do people need some hack author to tell them what to see, do, read, kick, or conjugate? For eons people have been born, lived, and died without such lists. What is there about our times that makes these books so popular?
Life has always been short, but here in the late Info Age, it seems shorter. Bombarded by images, products, pitches, we're confronted daily with more possibilities than our ancestors faced in a lifetime. And feeling unqualified to see, do, kick or conjugate it all without help, we turn to experts.
Socrates famously observed that "the unexamined life is not worth living," but he did not compile "1,001 Self-Examinations to Do Before You Die." Four or five seemed enough. And who are we to argue with Socrates?
There might well be 1,001 amazing places to see, and I will no doubt die without seeing them all. Ditto for all the dogs that cry out to be kicked. Nuts, well now... But listing possibilities is a strange way to go through life.
Life will only seem shorter if you let some book spell out for you what you won't get to do. So forget my series. Just buy my last one - "1,001 Ways to Grow Old Before You Die" - and see how far you can get through it before...
