Single women over 50 face challenge

By Alison Ozer

Published on June 09, 2006

Lately, a lot of attention has been given to aging boomers' lifestyles and the status, 'hot or not,' of women over 50. Midlife women in committed relationships or marriages, with success under their skirts, support from friends and family, and children out of the home, can indeed be ready and able to finally unleash 'potential power,' both in the world and in bed.

Mid-age couples, skilled and experienced, may dare to explore the depths of their psyche and libido. If willing to face fears, share fantasies, with eyes wide open, couples can engage in passionate sex with more abandon and integrity. Of course, the challenge for the single woman is finding a man to couple with. Many over 40 may go 'in want of a partner.'

Men are primarily visual. In online dating, they often seek women 5 to 15 years younger, and even men over 50 admit their cutoff is usually 50. I post a profile with an age closer to how I appear. Upon questioning, it is obvious that men respond to my young-looking photo and many have not read a word of my description or preferences.

When I reveal the truth, most are shocked. 'Gosh, you're hot!' one blurted with surprise. While I was unsure whether this ambivalent compliment referred to me or the radiant heat from a flash, I was sure that 'hot' he was not! Seasoned single women find few men meet our preferences. In 10 years of dating, only one friend introduced me to a man she felt might be 'worthy.' No male friends could recommend any of the available men they knew.

Attitudes, negative perceptions, and preferences of mid-age women are a reality we must deal with. Yet a mature lady with wit and wisdom does have a chance. Men's eyes may wander naturally to the young babes on the dance floor or in the dating site photo galleries, their students on campus, or secretaries and interns at the office, but some relish raw and ribald honesty, intelligence, and get quite turned on by the naughtiness of an experienced and sexy mind. A man who has 'been there and done that' may be glad to cozy up close to one who can recall the Cream and say 'Light My Fire.'

The truth is that matching up well, based on sex or love, at any age seems to be a challenge with our image-primed, media-filled, and culturally conditioned society. Facing our wrinkles, dryer skin, graying hair, and sagging breasts and butts makes it harder to feel good in ourselves, present well, and excite desire. It certainly seems unfair, as the available men, who are no Tom Cruises, Brad Pitts, or Harrison Fords, seek the perfect 'petite, active, and attractive' younger women. The consolation can be that younger women dating older men may not be enjoying themselves much, either. They, too, have to contend with the same conditioned mentality and immaturity of their in-denial partners.

Recently back from a trip to Buenos Aires to dance tango, I found 'middle-sexed' women migrating to not only enjoy the sensual connection of 'the embrace,' or the freedom of self-expression in an improvisational dance, but also the intimate attention of men both older and younger. These women in their high-heeled shoes and high-slit dresses are looking for sex in different places and with different strategies. Some are actually finding and creating love as well.

While the situation is not so hot, it does not mean we are less 'hot.' We just have to work harder finding someone to share it with and play up our assets. Some need to stop acting like mothers. After all, most of us don't want to be bedding our dads now, do we?

Caring is part of a healthy relationship, but passion is often sparked by a bit of spice and an ability to be selfish, in the sense of being fully with one's self and feeling deserving of pleasure for oneself. A sexy brush of the hand while serving chicken soup might help a man switch from seeing us as Mom or the Virgin Mary, to more like Demi Moore or Madonna - at least in fantasy and, potentially, reality.

Yes, the statistics might not bode well, but there is potential. Women, thick- or thin-skinned, must be braver and more open-minded, or settle for women's night out.

Alison Ozer is a 50+ single mom living in Amherst.