Dating boomers can be unrealistic

By ALISON OZER

Published on August 04, 2006

In response to my column ('Single women over 50 face a challenge,' Bulletin, June 9) readers expressed delight in contemplating more than local politics and found unique points to resonate with. One man wondered if mid-age women can't find a match mainly because of idealistic preferences. Well, are baby boomer women unrealistic? Is this the compelling reason they can't find a 'good man?'

The man wrote: 'A friend suggested I start dating again. I met an attractive woman. We had a lively conversation and discovered we had many of the same interests and values. I asked her out. She said thanks but no thanks.'

The scene repeated itself several times with other 'attractive' women.

He concluded, 'I must be the most unattractive guy in the Valley since Homer Philpot of Turners Falls posed for a King Kong look-alike spread.'

His assumption was clear that rejection was based on HIS attractiveness. However, the primary characteristic of each of the women he listed was their attractiveness. He did note the women 'seemed vibrant, outgoing, intelligent, self-assured, breezy, and independent.' He was unsure whether 'they have the ability or desire to sustain long-term intimate relationships.'

He was sure they took their 'attractiveness for granted,' as if 'time was on their side' and that they 'didn't need to settle for less than the best.'

I discovered he never asked why they wouldn't accept another date. Perhaps these boomer women did not take their attractiveness for granted, but just didn't focus on it. Maybe they assumed a man seeking a date must think them attractive enough. Maybe they seem more casual because they are no longer panicked by the baby-making time bomb women 25-40 are threatened by.

Maybe they are more self assured because their self-esteem does not depend on whether they are in or out of a relationship. Maybe they are more independent because they are financially secure and skilled in management of job and home. Maybe they are more confident in their choice of whom to enter a long-term relationship with. Maybe they are in no hurry to be in a bad one.

This man admitted he didn't know. He did not ask what they would settle for in spite of what they hoped for, and whether he could match up. Could rejection have been based on evaluation of his readiness and abilities - their understanding that attraction and shared interests may not be enough for an ongoing relationship?

The same man turned to the personal ads. He said that women 45-60 couldn't find 'good men' because they wanted someone 'financially secure, sincere, easy going, modest; a man who was trim and good-looking, witty, charming, romantic, and slightly mysterious.' This man should be 'someone emotionally mature, with good relations with his kids (and ex), and satisfied for the most with his station in life.'

He determined that boomer babes unrealistically sought an ideal man who was 'alpha enough to be confident, successful, suave....and beta enough to be sensitive, laid back and humble; whose nature was unruffled by any wisp of self-doubt or hint of unfulfilled yearnings.' He assumed she expected 'INSTANT chemistry; a man who never faltered, was never troubled or anxious....a man with no inconvenient dark side, a man who wanted a woman but didn't want her too much.'

Well now, would anyone want a person financially insecure, insincere, insensitive, arrogant, unfit, bad looking, stupid, clueless in romance, transparent, without any chemistry? Furthermore, would anyone want a partner with tons of difficulties with the ex? Would one prefer someone bad with kids? Someone whose dark side might include brutality? Someone who was unhappy with life and needy?

The question of whether any man, or woman, can meet ALL these preferences is valid. To leap to the assumption that preferences are absolute or 'perfection is required' is a presumption. It reveals more about insecurities 'newer-aging' men may understandably have.

In ads I find more men state they want 'instant chemistry' as a 'must,' and tell me within a few seconds of meeting that they know whether it exists. Many women and a few men express a desire for one who can pack and carry his bags and negotiate troubled waters. Men and women agree they also want 'good communication.'

While this man complained that rarely did he see a woman look for men who 'learned from failure, injustice, or any kind of adversity,' I venture to say this IS the hope and actual assumption of many mature women. Both may discover it is not necessarily valid.

Age may not be synonymous with maturity. Few may have taken the time to do their homework and know what lessons they were meant to learn. Without developing skills for loving anew, many continue conflicted relationships likely to fail. Mature daters struggle to achieve good communication and develop compatibility and compassion.

One friend expresses the dilemma: 'When I read some of the Internet profiles, they appear intimidating. The women I'm attracted to often have specific and lengthy requirements for their perfect matches, and they also seem to make themselves almost too perfect. And obviously they can't be, or why else would they be using the Internet? I find these superwomen a turn-off. Maybe it's because I'm not a superman. Bummer, what a thought!'

Alison Ozer lives on Middle Street and works at the University of Massachusetts.